Wavelength’s deep space correspondent Aster
Did asked Toronto’s new psych-rock trio Lead
Pipe Study for a list of answers to non-existent
questions. The following is what they would
have replied, in exact numerical order. The
questions are infinite, actually. Create your
own. Take questions from interviews in other
publications. A whole world of vaguely amusing
possibilities remain. Sound confusing? Good.
In the meantime, Wavelength crew members
Paddy O’Donnell and Doc Pickles will question
the answers …
1. Fuzzy dice, a mirrorball, lots of red shag and
ski goggles.
PO’D: Describe the last Beck video you saw …
DP: Welcome back, Lead Pipe Study, from your
tour of Scarborough pool halls. What impressions
do you have of their fine city?
2. Parachute a hundred highly trained monkeys
on Nathan Phillips Square. They’d be heavily
armed and on skates so they would quickly
control the ice. We figure it should be smooth
sailing from there.
PO’D: Assuming all fascist uprisings these days
start from the palatial surrounds of City Hall,
what tactics do you think Mel Lastman will
eventually_ have to resort to in order to propel
his Megacity towards world domination?
DP: Well you’ve certainly got quite a following
In Scarborough. But how do you plan to bring
your music to the rest of the megacity?
3. Hot and sweaty, extremely active, and above
all polite.
PO’D: What was your lead singer voted most
likely to be in the class of 1996?
DP: That sound’s awful! What kind of monkeys?.
4. Our facial hair, volume, and ability to make a
comeback.
PO’D: What’s stopping you from appearing on
Mike Bullard?
DP: Well at least they have their manners. But
why would they do this for you? What makes you
think these sweaty monkeys can even skate?
5. Years of experience in basements.
PO’D: To what do you attribute the musty odour
emanating from the band?
DP: Why don’t you love me?
6. Probably a combined length of about 36 inches.
PO’D: A train, a bus and a blue Honda Civic all
leave Brandon, Manitoba at the same time. They
are all travelling towards Truro, Nova Scotia.
The train is travelling at a speed of 70km/h,the
bus is travelling at a speed of 40km/h and the
Honda Civic is parked at the nearest Tim
Horton’s but planning on leaving soon. Assuming
that the laws of space and time are holding and
the train engineer is drunk, how far apart do you
expect each of these vehicles to be in relation to
each other when they pass through Leamington
Ontario? ‘
DP: How much bacon do you eat in an average
sitting?
7. Everybody is within reach, and is easily
Understood, but at the same time is trying to
take up as much space as possible.
PO’O: Describe your drummer’s family life.
DP: Why do you want to hatch your dumbsounding
scheme at Nathan Phillip’s Square?
Why not Ted’s Wrecking Yard?
8. Absolutely. That means no one’s realised
we’ve stopped playing.
PO’D: Have you found that audiences can’t tell
the difference between the club’s sound system
and your live performance once your set’s over?
DP: Is it better to have an audience of easily
understood people?
9. He lights all our joints with a kiss.
PO’O: Your personal athletic trainer works on
your wrists, knees and elbows to keep them
from seizing up due to the pressures of repetitive
motion strain from an exhaustive gigging
schedule. Describe his unusual homo-erotic
methods of keeping your limbs from feeling
constrained and heavy.
DP: Why don’t you let my dog go near your
Hamster?
10.That’s depending on whether the rabbits
are dead or alive.
PO’D: Would you like to see a kinky magic
trick?
DP: Will you be my love bunnies?
Interview from March 2000 Wavelength Zine
